I’m done being vanilla… I think…

Something has been bothering me… This blog… my classes… my videos… it’s all too… vanilla… 

When I started teaching yoga full time, I wanted it to be a resource… no – deeper than that… I wanted to build a sanctuary - a place people could come to find themselves… reconnect with themselves… sink into themselves… and more importantly – express their true selves in every area of their life… but I feel like its missing the mark. The reason its missing the mark is…

I’m so damn scared to REALLY be myself out here… 

And everywhere else in my professional life, for that matter. I teach yoga so I can serve. And, God Bless It – my classes get great reviews… (I very humbly thank you everyone ;) ). But, honestly, for me, there always feels like something is missing.

What’s missing is me… the absolute REAL me…

And truly – if I can’t be the REAL me when I’m teaching… no one else is going to be able to be the real them either… because I hold myself back – on some level, people hold themselves back in my professional presence as well (more on this later)…

I’m participating in a fantastic program called 40 Days to Personal Revolution over at Seva Power Yoga in West Chester… this is a 6 week program, developed by Baron Baptiste, and the purpose is to awaken your soul so you can live a full, beautiful life.

Well – first – my soul is awake… it knows what it wants… I can see very clearly what I want to be and how I want to serve.

However, there is a big part of me that holds me back – no – there is a big part of me that’s basically built a dam-wall in front of the real me. And, every time I really want to express myself professionally – I get stuck… I clam up… I can’t speak… I get scared… no words come out – well – words come out and they’re mostly generic, safe, VANILLA.

This Vanilla-ness keeps me protected… free from judgement, free from rejection…

But it also keeps me from REALLY LIVING.

Yeah – I’m a good teacher. I know all the alignment cues, I teach themes in my class that can be translated into real life…

But I’m so damn afraid to show people who I really am… I’m so damn afraid to mess up, to be rejected, to be unliked… that I hold back the REAL me most of the time whenever I’m  in a professional setting… even taking classes in public – good lord – I start beating myself up with things like – “Oh my God – I better be able to do that – people will think I’m a shill – I’m a Yoga Teacher for God’s Sake, I better be able to get into that pose and look damn good doing it!”

Ever feel like that in your professional life – or anywhere in life for that matter?!?

I’m so damn hard on myself…

Anyway… during the first class of 40 Days, I told my partner that my biggest fear is that I will die never having really been able to express who I am – that I will never be able to really and truly serve anyone or feel incredibly fulfilled in my professional life – that my light will remain hidden… that I’ll be on my death bed wishing like hell I had had the courage to do things differently. That I’ll die and my voice will go completely unheard…

And yet, I stay safe… 

Somehow – I have this giant fear, and yet, I can’t seem to shake it…

I don’t share a whole lot of myself… I hold back what I really think most of the time sometimes … I’m afraid to bust out with my own opinion on everything certain things… I’m just afraid to be me.

You ever feel like that in your life??

And, I know – for those of you that know me personally – this is totally a foreign concept… I’m so at ease when I’m with friends and family – my personal life THRIVES…

And I think know it’s because I’m not afraid to be myself when I’m social, or with family…

So… for the next 6 weeks, I’m going to blog about this program and how it’s helping me…

My goal for this program is to get past this ridiculous fear I have going on and be able to be my Jenn-self professionally.

During class, we went around the room and shared why we were there… I was safe (of course), and generic (*sigh*)… I said something vanilla like “Hi my name is Jenn, and I’m here because I thought this would be a great way to focus on me, and get back into some habits that I had let go of…”

Blah. Vanilla.

What I really meant was – “Hi, my name is Jenn, and I’m here so I can stop being so damn scared of being myself professionally. I’m really afraid to let myself be “me” in a professional setting, and it’s really starting to piss me off… beyond that – it’s really holding me back from doing work that deeply serves and is extremely fulfilling at the same time. I’m here because my goal is to get over myself and just be able to be me already… and I know this program can will help…”

WHEW – that feels better!

Alright – so now that I’m being completely honest with myself (and everyone else…), let’s see how this thing evolves…

And, by all means – please feel free to share your thoughts here… Remember – this is a sanctuary – bring your bad-ass self on in and let’s hear what’s on your mind.

Comments

  1. says

    Jenn,

    WHOOHOO! I say BRAVO to you for wanting to share your true self with the world. You are an amazing wonderful beautiful caring woman who I am SOOOOOO blessed to know!!

    You go girl and I am here for you all the way!

  2. says

    Jenn…I love how you are stepping into your truth…you are an inspiration to all of us…I’ve never seen you as blah vanilla on a professional or personal level…

    Something Bertha shared with me during meditation…I am a bridge…and…most of the bridge isn’t on either shore…it’s in the middle…bringing the two sides together…

    I think you are a bridge as well…and while it is easy to be critical of vanilla…I think you are helping others…cross over into…their own delicious flavors…

    Enjoy your tuti fruiti self…I know I do!

  3. Jenn says

    So OMG – one of the biggest images I have is of me walking over a bridge from being scared to death to be me… onto the shore of just living as myself… I even had a friend of mine paint me a picture of said image…

    I knew I liked you for a reason Jane ;)

    Ya know what’s interesting… the lesson this week in my 40 Days workshop is all about presence… and when I’m present – there is no fear… there is no hiding myself… there is just standing confidently in my center and being me… go figure… LOL!! I’ll be blogging more about that tomorrow…

    Ooo – and Tuti Fruti… yeah – I dig it!